Hello. I'm not dead.I've reactivated my account out of necessity. I figure you all deserve an explanation first though, one that I might not really feel comfortable releasing, but I feel it's the right thing to do after seeing just how many people I never expected to care, did.
So, to start: I'm the first person that will say I'm an awful piece of shit of a person. I'm not perfect and have said and done things in my life that were not good-- so just to make sure no one thinks I'm here trying to make myself look good. I've been medically diagnosed with severe clinical depression for nearly a decade now. I've had it for much longer than that, but I only finally got checked out a decade or so ago. I am more often not-okay than I am okay, but for the most part I try my damndest to shove it down and hide it. By now, plenty of people are well aware that I have issues with depression.
Why did I suddenly disappear everywhere? Well... At the risk of sounding dramatic, my life the past year has been a steadily accelerating snowball heading straight for disaster. Recently, all of it came to a head, putting me in one of the worst spots in my life, my stress and pain reaching a level that was/is pretty insurmountable. I had a massive depressive plummet, one that reached a dangerously suicidal level. As a result, I pulled away from everything except my job. I'm currently still in crisis, things are... incredibly difficult right now, but as soon as my insurance kicked in on Jan 1st, I got help and am currently trying to struggle through it as best I can.
Now to why I feel I had to reactivate out of necessity. It's been brought to my attention by multiple people that lies are being spread about me while I have been down and out-- and screencaps of those lies have been given to me, so it's not just hearsay. I'm here to clear up my name because, whether I'm alive or not, I refuse to allow lies to be cycled around about me.
- "This is a common occurrence."
- No. It's not. There is only one other time in my life where I have been this dangerously low and suicidal-- and that was two years ago when I got baker acted. I get depressed often, THAT is a common occurrence-- like I said, I'm more often depressed and not okay than I am okay. This is not some common low for me. Additionally: That is private information I don't want handed out to people on the internet. Telling people that, even if it WAS true, is not okay, especially when that info is unsolicited.
- "This is a stunt."
- Wow, I don't even know where to begin with how fucked up this is to say about someone. You know, I don't care how often someone might threaten suicide or get low, even if I suspect it's not true, I would never treat any episode of it as a "stunt" and I certainly wouldn't spread that bullshit to others about someone. It took my therapist one session to tell me they could tell I was in crisis, that's how serious this is. I deactivated everything and isolated myself because I needed it while I was horrifically bad off. I deactivated everything to remove the temptation to return before I was ready. What kept me alive this time was having already started getting help and better medication. I am confident that I would not be alive right now had I not already had those two things going by the time the plummet happened.
- I got checked out, actually, years ago and I don't have bipolar disorder. I have severe clinical depression-- and anxiety, which has been a new addition and I only just recently got diagnosed with that as well. Not bipolar.
I reactivated to say that I have seen and don't appreciate these lies and the rest that I saw (but will not comment on publicly). To those that have heard or been told additional things about me while I was down and out, feel free to contact me privately to get my side on clearing my name. Know, however, that if you contact me, I will not give you info on the specifics from whom I was told or saw saying what. I will only be giving you my side to clear certain things being said about me. I will not participate in mud-slinging or calling out or slandering or giving dirt.
I just want to clear my name.
To all those who were worried about me, to those who have reached out to me, shown kindness and understanding, gave advice, encouraged me, and cared as I continue through this point in my life: I can't thank you all enough. You are truly incredible people and I am honored to call you my friends.